Melissa Bowley

Pregnancy and childbirth are a challenge for our bodies. A challenge our bodies can handle beautifully. But, a challenge none the less. In a relatively short period of time a woman’s body will change dramatically with pregnancy. Our pelvis will widen, our ribcage will expand, our abdominals will stretch, and our pelvic floor muscles will stretch as well.

Pelvic floor? What? Do I have a pelvic floor? Yes, you have a pelvic floor. The pelvic floor is a group of muscles at the bottom of your pelvis. They are around the vaginal and anal openings. The muscles that make up the pelvic floor play an important role in our most intimate functions. They control pee, poop and sex, hold up your bladder, rectum and uterus and stabilize your pelvis.   And, for the most part we never think about them. In fact, most women don’t think about them until they have a problem. Perhaps, you leak urine with sneezing, coughing or when you exercise. Or maybe you have an increase in urinary urge and then leak urine.  Or maybe you are struggling with returning to the exercise you enjoy after having a baby. During pregnancy and childbirth, the pelvic floor undergoes tremendous stretch and strain as they support the growing baby and allow for the baby to be born. After, pregnancy and childbirth these muscles require more attention so you can return to exercise without pain, be able to control your pee and enjoy sex again.

Can you imagine having an injury to another body part? Maybe your shoulder or your ankle. Would you expect to return to all your activities without any difficulty? Or would you expect to have to rest, recover and rehab that shoulder or ankle? The pelvic floor is no different than any other group of muscles in your body. They need to rest, recover and rehab after a pregnancy and delivery as well. Returning to your previous exercise or lifestyle without considering your pelvic floor can be challenging. Perhaps, you are not sure where to start or how to reintroduce exercise. A pelvic Physical Therapist can help you through the process of rest, recovery and rehab. A skilled pelvic PT will help guide you through the various stages of rehab and return to your previous active life.

You may do it every day. But you probably have no idea the harm it’s doing to your mind and body. I’m not talking about downing cookies over the sink or consuming an entire issue of People magazine in one sitting. I’m talking about constantly comparing yourself to other moms. There’s nothing worse, especially when you become a new mom.

You may be thinking: How else are we supposed to know what to do? We have no clue what we’re doing once we bring a bundle of joy (that resembles ET) into this world. Believe me, I get it. You are filled with so many questions. Concerns. Excitement. Fear. Love. You want to surround yourself with as much information as possible. As many knowledgeable people as possible. Pretty soon, you have as many resources as there are bridesmaids in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. But the harm comes when you reach information overload and start second guessing yourself.

Constantly comparing myself to other moms brings out the Real-Housewives-of-Dallas- drama-queen side of me that thankfully not too many people get the pleasure of seeing (except, of course, my husband). I become a negative Nancy. I’m not very fun to be around. And it’s not good for my kids either. I know, because I started doing this before my first child even came into the world.

Well into the second trimester of my first pregnancy, I’d look down at my circa 1999 boot cut jeans with a rubber band tied around the waist and think, “Oh, boy, this isn’t going to hold out much longer.” We hardly had enough money to pay for downtown parking, let alone buy top-quality “office-appropriate” maternity clothes. (Have I mentioned that I was pregnant with my first child before the launch of Target’s maternity line?) I’d see all the stylish young moms-to-be strutting around Seattle wearing designer maternity suits and stress out when I couldn’t find one that cost less than what my husband and I were paying in rent. I was excited about being pregnant, but didn’t realize the harm I was doing by second-guessing even my maternity wear so early on.

Then more questions would start swimming through my pregnant head:

Will other moms look down on me because the stroller we received as a shower gift resembles a grocery cart (and nothing close to what Demi Moore used for her daughters)?

Will my child be an under-achiever because I didn’t start playing Baby Mozart in the womb?

Will we be judged for using a Diaper Genie Dispenser (after we figure out how to assemble the gd thing)?

How many more weeks can I stretch my basic black elastic waist-band skirt until it pops?

When it came to a delivery plan, I once again started to second-guess my choices based on what other mothers were doing. Although I admired women like Ricki Lake who had a natural water birth, I really wanted an Epidural. At a hospital. I wanted to nickname the procedure Eppi so I wouldn’t forget it as soon as I arrived at the hospital. It turns out, I had a challenging first birth experience that included several bouts of false labor, hemorrhaging, and a post-delivery emergency surgery. There was no way I could have known what would happen to me. I may not have lived through a natural childbirth. Who knew going with my gut eventually saved my life? And despite everything, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. That’s all that mattered.

I had no idea I would be judged, even years later, for the way he came into this world. By women who weren’t even my friends. They were women I’d met casually through writing classes, work, friends of friends or in line at a baby store. “Excuse me for not wanting to DIE in childbirth,” I’d think to myself. And because of the trauma from the surgery, I was not physically able to breast feed. Lord knows I caught flack for bottle-feeding. That’s a whole story in itself. The good news is our new little guy was healthy. All eight pounds, nine ounces of him.

As he grew, I’d listen to comments about what every other mom was doing. Eighteen years and two children later, I’ve had my fair share of second-guessing my decisions on everything from potty training to pacifiers. I have known women with 15-month-old sons who could direct their urine stream into a Cheerio target inside a mini portable potty. I tried that strategy. And dozens of others. However, my son just looked me straight in the eye while peeing in his Pull-Up and ask me to change him. While snacking on a Cheerio. At the time, I thought I was a failure for not succeeding at potty training early on.  Oh, I tried. And I tried. I compared myself to other moms and was upset with myself because he wasn’t ready to be trained at 15 months. Or 18 months. Or age two. But several months later, he was fine. Totally trained. And not one accident. Halleluiah.

One piece of advice an old friend gave me that was both positive and welcoming? I promise you he will be potty trained by the time he reaches junior high. And you know what? She was right!

Throughout all the stages of mothering my two kids, I’d end up feeling like somehow, I wasn’t doing the right thing. I was trying so hard to be perfect. And perfection is unattainable! Both of my kids turned out fine. They are not perfect, but they are great kids.

My grandmother once told me being clueless is what parenthood is all about. None of us know what the heck we’re doing when we become parents, but we do the best we can.

Over the years, I’ve learned to stop listening to the noise and go with what works for me. Oh, I still learn, I never stop learning (especially from my mistakes) but thankfully, there’s a lot more giggling. I find that the more confidence I have in what works for me and my kids, and the less I compare myself to other parents, the better off we all are. I’d rather laugh and whine with other moms and celebrate our imperfections. It’s a heck of a lot more fun.

Jackie Hennesey is a local writer and pr professional who blogs about her take on motherhood at www.ventingsessions.com and writes about it in her book, How to Spread Sanity on a Cracker.

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When I was asked to write a blog about tongue-tie, diagnosis, and frenectomy… I went “all medical”. I thoroughly compiled a list of symptoms, explained who diagnoses and why it can be so difficult to assess for posterior ties. I laid out all of the current evidenced-based standards and professional consensus from the tongue-tie community. Focusing on the science is easy for me. But I said everything except for the most painful part – which is how I stumbled, tripped and fell into working with tongue-tied babies. And when that story was requested, I cried. I cried like every mother of a tongue-tied baby has ever cried. Because it’s always raw, that story. No matter how many moms and babies I help, I will always hold that feeling of utter helplessness somewhere at bay in my heart. Perhaps you know that feeling.

My son Samuel was born during the Boston Marathon Bombing. Between that terrible tragedy and my 66 1/2 hour labor followed by a cesarean, I should have had some sense of foreboding for what was to come. I was blissfully unaware, never suspecting that his asynclitic presentation and my prolonged labor could be related to movement restrictions of my newborn. But my bliss ended on the first night – baby Sam cried INCESSANTLY. I simply couldn’t put him down. I remember at one point looking at my husband, both of us with wide eyes, staring down the freight train of impending overwhelm. But there were no words. Martin went to sleep, and I did the one thing I wasn’t supposed to do. I co-slept in the hospital bed, pretending for every nurse that came in to scold me that I’d been awake feeding him. That pattern of co-sleeping continued for every nap and nighttime for two years, because he simply could not sleep on his own (and wouldn’t until he was 22 months old). And I can’t even begin to tell you all the criticism I got for it. Family, friends… everyone thought I was ruining my baby. It’s a funny thing, looking back in hindsight, to a community blaming a mother for what the medical community failed to address.

Breastfeeding seemed to go well, I thought. Sure, I got mastitis several times and constantly had engorgement and plugged ducts. I always had this lingering feeling that he wasn’t getting enough, and he would fall asleep at the breast like it was his job. He could never take more than 3 ounces from a bottle, and my babysitter’s updates would often leave me panicking home from work, hair on fire to feed my baby. But Sam’s weight gain was GREAT, so the pediatrician never even considered referring us to a lactation consultation. But Sam was MISERABLE. Even my mother, a veteran mother of three who tandem nursed twins, was at a total loss, and even suggested bringing him to the ER once. He would cry so hard and for so long that all I could do was hold him and bounce on an exercise ball – for HOURS. I would try the white noise of the shower, I would sing through tears, I tried it ALL. I had concerns about colic, but was told that it’s normal for babies to cry. You see, by now I’d already pissed off my pediatrician. I’d asked too many questions. I had too many concerns. I knew I’d been labeled a paranoid first-time mother, or worse, a hypochondriac. Sam’s colic started when he was 5-weeks-old, and it lasted until he was 7-months-old. I will always regret that it took me so long to ignore the pediatrician and begin to listen to my instincts, because by ignoring my instincts, I was prolonging my son’s discomfort and pain.

After months of sleepless, distraught nights, his GI symptoms calmed down a bit… but it took cutting out onions, garlic, coffee, dairy, chocolate, and a few more items from my diet that I can’t even remember. And for a celiac with a limited diet to begin with, it was no small feat. Eating became a chore, and there was very little enjoyment. Those days were just a blur of miserable. And gas drops. Oye.

I knew something just wasn’t right. I’d pick up newborn baby Sam, and hear his joints adjust. He seemed actually to be in pain; and no one knows how to read signs of physical discomfort quite as adeptly as a massage therapist – or a mother for that matter. Sam had strange positional preferences, like he just came out twisted. It was bad enough that the pediatrician opted to rule out spina bifida and hip dysplasia. As a structural bodyworker with [then] 12 years of experience treating acute and chronic pain, I knew enough to know what I didn’t know. So my pediatric bodywork training began. I took him for chiropractic adjustments. I took him for different types of bodywork. We saw several highly trained craniosacral therapists, and that did help with his cranial molding – which was, in hindsight, undiagnosed plagiocephaly. But he never seemed to be able to sustain changes from the bodywork. I couldn’t understand why his tension patterns kept returning a few days to a week after each session. The pedi just shrugged and called it “stink-eye.” I still have some forgiveness work to do.

But his sleep? Oh, no, that didn’t improve until the golden 22nd month. You see, my craniosacral therapist, Sue Cotta, had encouraged me to try inversion for Sam. And one day, I was out in the sunshine, a naked 15-month-old Sam in my arms, upside down and backwards… and from that bizarre perspective, I noticed this strange little piece of tissue under his lip. I knew nothing about maxillary ties, but I knew two things: 1) The pediatrician would not give me the time of day, and 2) I knew how to Google. So, off I went on the beginning of my journey, discovering about ankyloglossia and it’s many impacts: on digestion, on sleep, on postural and cranial development. I was in AWE. And I knew in that moment, this was the answer that I had been looking for, all along. But it was far from over.

After research that would do my medical librarian of a mother proud, I brought Sam in to see Marty Kaplan, a pediatric dentist specializing in tongue-tie. He confirmed a lip-tie, but we had such a difficult time getting into Sam’s mouth (because he already had oral aversions) that we couldn’t determine whether tongue-tie was the issue. Marty played it safe and recommended that I first meet with a GI doc to rule out other organic GI causes, so off we went again. The pediatric gastroenterologist was kind, but it didn’t do much good. She wanted to do an upper GI, and I was far too nervous of a mother by then. She did test Sam for lactose intolerance, but it was negative and the conclusion was that he had a milk protein sensitivity – which I had long since figured out on my own. After several months of unsuccessful Omeprazole use, attempting to treat his reflux, she recommended the sleep specialists at Hasbro. So off we went down another rabbit-hole. By now I just thought I was nuts. And probably was, clinically, given the severity of sleep deprivation. My husband really didn’t do nighttime wakings. After all, he had airway compromises and sleep dysfunction of his own. After 4 months of gentle sleep-training, Sam was still waking up screaming bloody murder at all hours of the night. I demanded a sleep study. The results showed some apneic and hypopnic events, but not enough to qualify as apnea. After 7 months of chasing “organic causes”, I finally realized that my local pediatric hospital experts fell short of any answers, and were content to keep “following up” with no conclusion. We revisited Marty Kaplan, and tried the only thing there was left to try – frenectomy. And lo and behold, Sam started to sleep for longer and longer periods of time. He still had sensitivities to certain foods in my breastmilk, but the reflux seemed to calm – HE began to calm. He began to be able to sleep without waking up screaming. He habitually woke, but the lambs had apparently stopped screaming, because he would find his way to mommy’s bed and calmly cuddle up. He was a different toddler altogether.

Somewhere through this process of hard knocks, I connected with a bodyworker on a tongue tie support group. I had posted about an epiphany I’d had at work. I was treating an adult client one day who had a complex history: neck pain, and cervical degeneration, TMJD, headaches, and cranial nerve issues. Our work just never gave her more than a few days of relief, and her rebound tension reminded me so much of my son’s. And then I realized while doing a craniosacral hold, looking upside down and backwards at her, that she was TONGUE-TIED! And the more I paid attention to my “difficult” chronic pain clients, the more I saw patterns of oral dysfunction, airway compromise, sleep apnea, and more – all associated with tongue-tie and sleep-disordered breathing. So I shared my realization on a tongue-tie support group. One blessed woman sent me a message and recommended that I join the Ankyloglossia Bodyworkers, a professional forum run by Michelle Emanuel, a pediatric occupational therapist specializing in tongue-tie who teaches and lectures around the country. The AB group is a multidisciplinary group of professionals who treat tongue-tied babies: occupational therapists, chiropractors, osteopaths, craniosacral therapists, speech language pathologists, and licensed massage therapists such as myself. I couldn’t help but notice all of the posts, requesting professional referrals in different areas around the country. I asked an important question that would completely change the course of my career. “If WE can’t even find each other, how are PARENTS supposed to figure out how to find these valuable resources?” Michelle replied that she had many plans, including creating a provider list. When I asked how I could help, she asked me how motivated I was. And if you haven’t glossed over this blog, you could guess my answer. We started building www.ankyloglossiabodyworkers.com and I have been partnered with, training with, and mentoring under Michelle closely ever since.

That wasn’t the end of Sam’s tongue-tie journey, if you’re still wondering. There was speech therapy and occupational therapy, Myobrace treatment, a revision, and oral-motor consultations to help to optimize his hard palate development and oral function. And Sam is fine, better than fine. He’s healthy, and growing strong. He is an incredibly kind little boy with a heart of gold who’d rather ask Santa Claus for a gift for his mom than one for himself. But he’s still tongue-tied. He will always be tongue-tied. Because everything that I’ve learned has convinced me of one thing – we are arrogant to think that clipping a tiny piece of tissue will change an ingrained embryological malformation that happened at 7 weeks gestation – when my now 4 1/2 foot tall son was the size of a gummy bear. We have optimized, and optimized, and optimized his tongue function until the only remnant left behind is a high palate, dental crowding that puts him at risk for dental caries, and some borderline sleep-disordered breathing. He’ll need orthodontics and palate expansion, but I’m ok with that because it’s more training that I can put to use for the good of others.

You see, I’ve fallen down the rabbit-hole to greet other mothers such as yourself. I have been there and will not let you feel alone or uncared for. I will not convince you that your instincts are paranoid delusions. I will not be aloof or judge you for your choices governed by the need to simply SURVIVE it all. I will mourn with you for the loss of your expectations, the loss of your “perfect” idealized baby, the loss of your sleep, the loss of breastfeeding if that is what it has come to for you. I will GET you in the hot mess of grief and post-partum depression. And I am committed to helping you find the resources I struggled so hard to cultivate.

So, you’ll learn very little from this story about what you should do to have tongue-tie diagnosed, and who you should reach out to for support, because that wasn’t part of my personal journey. Sam and I were alone in our struggles like thousands of other moms and babies. 5-11% is a pretty statistically significant number, after all. I often wonder how many never figure it out, and I see ties everywhere. But I was ready for my second tongue-tied baby boy, and I will be there to help you be ready for yours. Now, where are my tissues?

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A healthy balance during the holiday season means eliminating unnecessary stressors and concentrating on what’s most important…. your health and well-being! Your self care is just as important as your families health. So how can we make this stressful holiday season a little more bearable?

REST! I know this is easier said than done but rest is crucial to your physical recovery and mental health. My pro-mom tip- Call in the troops! Have a relative, friend or doula? Extra hands are needed to help you stay put. Postpartum doulas are trained to help you with your recovery and help establish routines with your day to day life. Doulas even provide overnight assistance to really maximize your hours of sleep per night!

SAY NO! Turning down that invite to your distant cousins holiday party is okay. Getting your family out of the door to a function can be taxing and stressful before you even arrive. In the end is it really worth it? Stay home and take a rain check. Please yourself this holiday instead of everyone else. Make the most of the time with your family.

SELF CARE! Make time to do something by yourself and for yourself every day. Whether that be yoga, journaling, a walk or scrolling through your phone and amazon shopping(could be dangerous). It is imperative to worry about yourself without a child attached to you.

SHOP ONLINE! Avoid the seasonal germs, traffic and lines. Shopping in the comfort of your home was made for a reason. Maximize your shopping and minimize the stress.

About Janet

My name is Janet Iacobucci and I am a wife, mother to three children and a postpartum doula here in Rhode Island. From what I can remember I was always fascinated by birth and the postpartum period from a young age. I remember being a child and faithfully watching my favorite show on TLC called “A Baby Story”. This show followed couples throughout their pregnancy, labor and delivery. Which included a quick follow up with the parents after they brought their baby home from the hospital. The follow up always showed exhausted parents with the main focus being on their newborn.

It wasn’t until the birth of my own children that I realized how much planning, education and energy went into baby planning and not into my postpartum recovery or the emotional/physical transition into motherhood. Just like my favorite show as a child the main focus was on my pregnancy, then on my baby and I was rarely/briefly checked in on or taken care of the way I needed to be. I was left in survival mode trying to figure out this new life, baby and body of mine. My husband also trying to figure out fatherhood and ways to be a support to me. I knew from the moment I had my first child that I had a bigger purpose and was born to help others transition into the most important role of their lives. I turned my passion into a career in 2019. I became a certified postpartum doula and started my business Well Nested RI.

What is a postpartum doula?

A postpartum doula is a professional support person trained in the needs of the family in the days, weeks and months after birth or the addition of a new baby. The doula offers non-judgmental support, guidance, evidence-based education and practical hands-on support immediately after birth through the first year. Doulas are an important part of your postpartum recovery. Filling space, educating, empowering and supporting. PPD provide families information and support on infant feeding, emotional and physical recovery from childbirth, infant soothing, and coping skills for new parents. They also help with light housework, meal prep and help incorporate an older sibling into this new experience. These services can help increase a woman’s understanding of how to meet her own needs. Improving a woman’s overall state of mental wellness, thereby possibly preventing or decreasing the experience of postpartum depression.

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Tips for Staying Healthy and Balanced Throughout the Holiday Season

Tip 1: Maintain your baseline self care routine. We’re not talking mani/pedis and massages
(who has the holiday budget for that?!) though you can absolutely include those, if you’d like. I’m
talking DAILY self care. What are the baseline level things you need to feel good on a daily
basis? We truly can’t show up well for others- or ourselves, over the holiday season if we’re not
taking care of ourselves well.
A few examples include:

• Drinking enough water: getting at least 8-10 glasses (4-5 mason jars) per day.
• Getting enough sleep- yes, even if it means turning in early from that holiday party. Sleep affects not just your energy levels, but your food and appetite, as well.
• Making time for movement. This is not the time to start a new fitness routine– but it is a great time to simply make the time for regular movement so your body is feeling energized, throughout the business of the season.
• Regular, nourishing meals. Again- not the time to try anything new here. Keep it simple and focus on the foods and meals you know will make you feel good, setting yourself up well by planning ahead for busy weeks to allow yourself to cook and eat at home as much as possible.

Tip 2: Remember we all have the ability to self-moderate, without rules and restrictions. It
can be really overwhelming with all of the parties and treats to feel out of control around food.
But as research shows us– the more we restrict ourselves or place rules around food, the
harder it is to tune into what OUR body needs (do I really want a third cookie, or did I deem it
my cheat day so I’m eating everything I can get my hands on?) and self-moderate. Food rules
like, “eating clean until the weekend” makes moderation nearly impossible, as it sets us up for
the restriction/rebellion cycle, where we vehemently attempt to control ourselves around parties,
events, whatever it may be– and enter into a state of rebellion and feeling even more
out-of-control eating when you allow yourself a little freedom. Remember: food rules don’t serve
you- balance is found by tuning in, not creating false permission.

Tip 3: Approach parties with curiosity, rather than expectations. Feed yourself well before,
don’t worry about saving up calories- the hungrier you are, the harder it will be to make
decisions that serve you– and take some time to consider what you actually want, what would
be satisfying to you in this moment. A few questions to ask:
1. How am I feeling in my body right now? Am I hungry or could I wait a little while to eat?
2. How am I feeling in my mind, right now? Am I feeling anxious or stressed? Do I need to
take a few deep breaths before I enter into this event?
3. What sounds satisfying and fulfilling to me right now? Do I want to make a beeline for the
buffet or bar, or maybe spend some time connecting with people before I jump into
eating?

Tip 4: Time time to re-charge.
The holidays can be stressful! It’s important to take intentional time for self-care, those daily
habits I mentioned previously, as well as deeper self care as you need it to re-charge and feel
your best throughout the holidays.

Tip 5: Take the focus OFF of the food! Food is great– as a foodie and a chef, I too get excited
about all the fun food around the holidays, but it’s important to remember, it’s not everything.
The holidays are about family, gratitude and making memories with the people you love. When
you are only focusing on food, you will likely remember more the times you let food dictate your
experience than the experiences themselves. Focus on the moments that create memories, not
the food, and let food be a fun addition to a joyful season.

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